An unexpected feeling...
So, I was in the Anthropologie trying on *smaller* clothes (hooray!) looking in the mirror, admiring my new *smaller* waist, and I had a weird, sudden, and shocking feeling cross my mind...
fear.
I had to ask myself why this happened... of what was I afraid? I pondered on it the entire drive home, which, thanks to rush hour traffic, was longer than the 20 minutes I expected to drive.
I thought...
How would losing weight change me as a person?
How will it affect my relationships? My friendships? My relationship with my partner?
Will my partner still be attracted to me?
How will it affect my voice? (As a singer, this is pretty important.)
How will it affect my career?
How will this change my life?
Will I still find myself beautiful?
Am I ready for this change?
And then I realized... I overthink things too much.
I wonder if these thoughts have crossed the minds of others in my situation?
I don't remember a time in my life where I wasn't overweight. As a child and a teenager, I was made fun of and put down for the way I looked. In high school, I never had a "boyfriend," no boys ever had crushes on me (that I knew about anyway!), the boys I liked frequently made fun of me, or had to "let me down gently." There were girls in my school who looked down on me and didn't want to be my friend beacuse I didn't fit their "ideal." I was told in a masterclass that I should "strongly consider," losing some weight (and proceeded to cry for the 7-hour bus ride home). I remember in my undergrad going to clubs and all my friends were getting hit on and "pulling"-- I was left drinking my cranberry and vodka all by myself. I was always the friend who boys became friends with in order to get close to my other girl friends.
I was never a beauty by society's standards.
I have since tried to find the beauty in myself. I think I've been pretty successful. I have taken those days when I looked in the mirror and thought, "I hate myself... if only I were thinner/had brighter eyes/clearer complexion/thicker hair/arched eyebrows/etc.," and I have turned it into, "I am a beautiful person with a full heart and a kind soul. Who I am on the inside shines outward."
Everyday, I got up out of bed, looked in the mirror, looked at myself, sometimes in my pajamas, sometimes in nothing at all, and instead of thinking, "Oh, if only I lost weight here in my tummy," or, "I wish I had that thigh gap," or, "If my arm flab was gone..." or anything else, I saw and read the words of positivity that I had taped to my mirror:
Get up, show up, never give up.
There is no better project than yourself.
One pound at a time.
Will it be easy? Nope. Will it be worth it? Absolutely.
Believe in yourself.
Be positive, patient, and consistant.
You are beautiful.
The thoughts got easier to maintain, the more I read them, the more I believed they were true.
I remember the moment when I realized... I'm actually quite beautiful. I looked at myself-- my round face, high, round cheeks, blue-green-gray eyes, how my figure has womanly curves, even how my freckles added a little dusting of prettiness-- and I realized, "Hey! I'm pretty darn adorable."
...and, thus, I gained this thing called, "confidence."
So, I have decided to let go of these lingering feelings...
especially any fears of change.
They've been holding me back for too long.
K xx
